I feel what God has done is allowed me to get to
a low place where I am out of options and finally willing to do those things
that I didn’t want to do. I am generally honest and willing to get to the nitty-gritty,
but I have put that on hold as a pastor because there isn’t usually much left
once you’ve burned the bridges, which my conversations usually tend to do.
Feeling that my natural tendencies are not what “most pastors” do, I have
practiced the art of holding my tongue (my family members just spewed coffee on
their keyboards). No, it’s true, at least as it sits with church stuff.
It’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been able
to write here. It has also made it very hard to write my Pastor’s Ponderings
for the church e-letter, because I want to talk about the real problems we face
but know that it will upset many of the members. Where I’m at now, I’m willing
to speak openly about what I see going on because I’ve got nothing left.
I went through a really rough time this past
fall; shoot, I’m still going through it. The church’s health is headed down, it
needs leadership in areas where I am a failure, and I increasingly feel as if I
am a drag instead of a boost. To put it succinctly, not only do I think there
are several people in the church that don’t want me as their pastor, but those
who do are unwilling to follow my leadership. On top of that, I haven’t got a
very good track record of convincing new people to join us, either. What can
you do in that situation?
Lots of things, I suppose; but I started looking at the
possibility of getting a job. That way, I could stop being a drag on the
church. This is actually a two-fold idea. On the one hand, it frees up funds to
bring in some of the help we need in areas I am failing. The other hand is that
it takes a big pressure off of me and allows me to keep the church being a
church instead of a corporation. You see, the big struggle for me in the church
is that my family’s livelihood is wrapped up in it. I’m trusting God, through
these fine people, to keep a roof over my head and food on my table. I can’t
sell more widgets to make ends meet, I have to rely on people wanting to be a
part of this fellowship and then being willing to support the operation of the
church, of which I am quite a large portion (and becoming a larger share of the
budget over the years). Someone recently derided me as “living the dream.” I
would say it is a dream’s evil twin.
It is this pressure that causes pastors to start
hawking the goods and crafting the programs to get more people to buy into our
brand, to be a part of what we are doing. Does any of that sound like Jesus? Oh,
how wonderful it would be if I wasn’t dependent on the church for my
livelihood! Then, we could live like believers together, not the pyramid scheme
that masquerades as modern-day evangelism.
So, I went looking. Know what I discovered? I’ve
got nothing to offer. Well, what I mean is this: what I do have to offer is not
wanted. I don’t see it advertised out there, at least. That led me to some
introspection, to asking what it was that I did have to offer. In the end, I am
left with two things: an ability to talk and a track record of failure. The
longer I thought about it, the more I realized that my failure is actually the
source of what success I have experienced lately, and the best thing of myself that I have to offer.
Of course, I didn’t get to that uplifting idea without getting pretty low
first, which is the broken part of this whole thing.
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